Sex is strange, really. We lust for it, we risk everything for it, and ultimately it’s a brief moment we’re after. Yes, the lead-up is incredible if you have the right partner, but we are all just chasing that divine deliverance from our earthly bodies that takes us to the stratosphere for a second, before dropping us back down below, to boring normality. I love it though. I love the act of meeting someone and talking, getting to know each other, but knowing all the while where we are headed, where we will end up. I also love meeting someone and not talking, just getting straight to it. But for me, the ultimate fantasy would be meeting someone somewhere—anywhere really, a bar, a café, a bookstore, a gym, a train—and without exchanging a single word, just looks, we would find a place quickly and silently fuck each other, almost desperately, and then, when this man and I were done, we would walk away without even saying goodbye, because that’s what sexual desire can do to you. It turns you desperate. It makes you stupid. It makes you silly. It makes you willing to escape and forget about all concepts of reality and responsibility for just a few fleeting moments of undeniable pleasure.
That may sound harsh to you, but after a long relationship, sex can get stale. It eventually becomes a mundane act you go through just to satisfy your partner. When I was younger, I always came. I never faked an orgasm, because what’s the point if you don’t complete the act? But in my marriage I found myself doing that, so my husband wouldn’t feel bad. Worse, I began to turn him down a lot because it basically was no longer satisfying. So I turned to fantasy to fulfill my own desires and sexual needs. I simply could not ask my husband to fulfill them for me.
There’s a certain power to being a beautiful woman. Men want to talk to you, give you things, and sleep with you. You know when they want you. It’s almost a scent they give off. It’s fun to play with them, to make them feel you are interested, to see what they have to offer. If it’s not what I want, well, there are plenty of other resources available. I think that’s why Damian chose me. He was drawn to my beauty, and by being able to control me totally, he has a chance to feel what it would be like to be a beautiful woman who holds a mysterious power over men. He has often told me that he harbors a secret desire to know what it feels like to be a woman, to experience the rush of power they hold over men.
I have a sharp memory of being twelve or so and in my parent’s bedroom when they were out one night. I tried on my mother’s long burgundy velvet dress and I felt powerful, beautiful, and sexual. And in that moment, I recall vividly thinking that I had a choice in my life—I could be an earth mother like my mom, baking bread with kids running beneath my feet and happily married, or I could be a slut, a nymphomaniac constantly pursuing many men and living a life of fantasy and fun.
It’s funny that I actually had that thought, of being a whore, at such a young age. Because as I grew older and began to experiment sexually, I found that I enjoyed sleeping with different men as much as I liked having a boyfriend. I have had many long-term relationships, and lived with a few guys before I married and settled down. But I have kept my sexual fantasies and I have often thought about what it would be like if I were single again, and out there active with men.
One of my fantasies involves being with two men at once, and being double penetrated. I can’t imagine the physical possibility of that, but I have seen it done in porn films and the girl looks like she is just stupefied with pleasure. What would it feel like to have two cocks inside me at once? And which would feel better…to have them both inside my pussy or one inside my ass? Being with two men at once I have done, but only one at a time. The idea of being filled in the front and back simultaneously, and being the object of desire for two people at once is a huge turn on for me.
Another fantasy was inspired by a porn video I watched, where one woman took twenty men, one at a time, as her Dom sat at her head, whispering in her ear that she’s a slut, only doing this for him. That really turned me on…how she lay there, letting one guy after another inside of her only to please her Dom. What was she thinking as it was happening to her? Was she noticing the different sizes, shapes and colors? Did she lust for the next one as soon as the previous one was finished with her? Some of her partners came within a minute while others took their time, relishing the moment, savoring her body as her Dom looked on and ordered each one to fuck her harder. This girl endured all of this so her Dom would fuck her, but he did not take her at the end. If that were me, I would have begged my Dom to fuck me after putting up with all of that for him. It’s a reward that should be doled out.
I’ve thought about sleeping with a woman, and how good that must feel to be with someone who knows precisely how my body works. Two women would be even better. I have spotted women in bars and at parties who I would like to be with over the years, but I have never had the courage, or the right moment alone. How many times have I imagined a woman licking me, finger fucking me and kissing me slowly, running her fingers through my hair? But there would be one thing missing in this equation—a man.
It has to be a man for me, because I want to be fully dominated by someone who is threatening, commanding, assuming, and sure of himself. I don’t want a wimp who gets all gushy and lovey-dovey. I’ve had plenty of that. I want someone who will order me around. I want a Dom who will teach me the role of submission. I want someone who can look me in the eye and tell me honestly how much he desires me, but will never give himself to me except in the role of a master. I have always wanted to be tied up, restrained, helpless, and even slightly afraid.
I have looked at bondage videos and I have seen all the toys and accessories and while they are intimidating to see, it’s incredible to imagine how they will make you feel to be at someone’s mercy. I want to feel huge hands wrap around my throat and squeezing as someone thrusts himself inside of me, harder, and deeper than I have ever felt. I can only imagine that this would feel almost liberating, turning my control and body completely over to someone who has to earn my trust. To someone who will do all these taboo things to me to satisfy his own lust as well as mine. To a man who knows how to subjugate women. I know that I would not be his only woman, and there’s something slightly kinky about that, too. I have always demanded fidelity in my relationships but for this, I do understand that there’s no such thing. If I were to enter into a relationship based on bondage, I would willingly give up any idea of a normal relationship in exchange for lessons in the art of dark play.
But these are only fantasies…unable to become reality unless I take steps to make that happen. I can’t tell my husband what I really desire, because that will separate us. I can’t tell my husband what I dream about because I think he will judge me for it. So for now, it’s something I keep all to myself, my highly sexualized state, my deep desires, my vivid fantasies. What else can I do…?
Cover art - Guryanov Andrey - Shutterstock.com