The D/s Blog by The Discerning Dom
What are the seven types of submissive women? Why do we get pleasure from inflicting or receiving pain? How can you make your partner more dominant? Which implement is best for spanking? Do you need a safe word? What’s the difference between punishment and discipline?
For several years the author of this book wrote a weekly blog about the experience of being a dominant man in a D/s relationship with submissive women. Under the pseudonym of Discerning Dom, he posted on these questions, and many others, such as: what sort of erotic satisfaction can there be in humiliation or bondage? Does a desire to submit have something to do with one’s upbringing, or is it in the genes? What do submissive women really want? And what goes through the mind of a dominant man?
Despite the increased exposure in the popular media of the D/s (or bdsm) lifestyle, there is still a lot of misunderstanding. All too often the practices of dominants and submissives are confused with sexual abuse, and those who engage in them are assumed to be suffering from some kind of psychological damage. Even those who regularly take part in such scenarios may have misgivings about what they do. Is kneeling on the floor what an independent, self-respecting woman ought to be doing? Should she really offer herself to be whipped, tied up, owned? Dominant men too can have reservations. His woman wants him to hurt her; can he bring himself to be really forceful with the woman he loves, even if she says this is what she wants?
All these issues, and many more, are discussed in an entertaining, informed and sympathetic tour around a kinky but strangely compelling lifestyle. Whether you are experienced or just curious, this book offers enlightening and stimulating reading.
I am a dominant man. I like kinky sex, and in particular I like what is generally referred to as D/s (dominance and submission), or bdsm (bondage, discipline, sadism, masochism). It took me many years before I came to realize the true nature of my sexuality; once I did I began to explore it with enthusiasm, but it has not always been easy. Despite some moves towards liberalization, such practices are still outside the mainstream of society. People who like spanking or being spanked are still regarded by many as freaks, even dangerous perverts. It has always seemed to me that this was a misunderstanding. Increasingly, as I came to greater awareness, I felt a need to explain myself and to explore the nature of my kink, and so I turned to blogging.
This book is a selection of entries from two blogs that I wrote. The first was called Confessions of an English Gentleman. I discontinued it because things got a little complicated in my personal life. Later, I found I missed writing my blog, so I started another, called Sexual Dynamics: Memoirs of a Discerning Dom. Recently I stopped writing that one too, feeling that for the moment I had taken things as far as I could go. But readers continued to be encouraging, and several eventually persuaded me that the material was worth recycling, so here it is. I’ve tidied up a few things, edited and abridged, but substantially the words here are those I put into the blogs. I hope I have been able to preserve the immediacy and informality of the blogging format.
Both blogs were about the experience of being a Dom within the structure of a D/s relationship. They tried to pin down the nature of sexual dominance and submission, and what it feels like for both Dom and submissive. They discussed problems which arose, and expressed my thoughts about all the fun things which kinky folk like myself love to get up to.
It’s a hybrid genre, the anonymous sex blog. They come in all shapes and sizes. Some are instructional; they give advice on which implements to use for spanking, they road-test new vibrators, they check out the providers of goods and services, they even give advice to those with problems. I’ve done a little of that myself, trying to assist readers who asked my opinion on a problem they have. The most common question I got is: “how can I persuade my husband/partner to spank me?” Or, another way of phrasing it, “how can I tell if my husband/partner is a Dom or not?”
Blogs about D/s form a lively and significant proportion of sex blogs. Some are confessional; the author wants you to participate in his sexual life, wants you to follow the progress of his relationships with sexual partners. Some are highly graphic. You see exactly how she gets spanked, or how he likes to torment her nipples (I tend to read only the ones by submissive heterosexual women, and to a lesser extent by dominant heterosexual men, but of course the full spectrum of sexuality is represented across the blogosphere). Sometimes there are pictures, even videos, of the poor girl on her knees, being spanked, or splashed with semen, or having her nipples clamped. It’s not hard to tell when it’s genuine and when it’s porn actors.
My blogs aren’t like that. I’ve never put up any pictures. From time to time I have given more or less graphic accounts of things I’ve done with girls. Or things I intend to do with girls. I’ve had complaints that I don’t always make it clear which are which. When is it for real? I understand why people might want to know that. But I hope they understand why I’m reluctant to say. These are definitely not confessional blogs. You can’t chart the course of my various relationships by following the regular entries; you wouldn’t always know at any moment whether I am in a relationship with a submissive girl or not. I don’t give a list of 100 things you might like to know about me, as some bloggers do; you won’t ever learn if I prefer cats or dogs, or what my favorite food is. Of course I realize there is a sense in which it is very much about me. Le style, c’est l’homme, as the saying goes, and perhaps I exaggerate the extent to which I keep myself out of these blogs. From time to time people I know flit in and out, but there’s no consistent, coherent narrative. There’s no real structure; it’s just me rambling on about what comes into my head, blogging about what I think, what interests me about the whole D/s experience.
In the blogs there was no order to the entries; I posted as and when thoughts came into my head. In this book I have reassembled the entries into what I hope is a more coherent structure, pulling together entries written at different times but on the same subject. The first section is about the nature of submission generally. This is followed by a section on dominance. After that comes a series of entries on general topics which people in a D/s relationship will probably have thought about. There is a section on the training of submissive girls, and then comes the longest section, my thoughts on a wide variety of practices which D/s folk enjoy, such as spanking, hair-pulling, facials, nipple play, etc, etc. Finally, there are a few random entries on topics I didn’t want to leave out but couldn’t fit in anywhere else.
I hope that nothing in this book is prescriptive. I don’t like to tell people how to conduct their relationships. Instead, I try to recount my own experience as honestly as I can. If people find it instructive to compare my experience with their own, I’m happy about that, but my philosophy concerning D/s is, live and let live. Or, whatever floats your boat. Of course, I subscribe to the mantra which all kinky folk should embrace: keep it Safe, Sane and Consensual. Beyond that, I’ve only one piece of advice. D/s relationships are only human relationships, with added kink. Treating people with kindness and consideration and respect is no less important when they are tied up and at your mercy…
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